Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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