If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
