Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Can Purell be used as lube?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sext me about skeletons
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
