Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
