I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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