i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
