my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
