dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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