Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
