I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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