so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
