I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
