I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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