I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
