He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
