so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
