Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
