watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
