She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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