Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
