im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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