Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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