I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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