I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
