There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
