Just cropdusted the office
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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