i don't like sucking hair
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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