the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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