can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
