WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
