I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
