We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
