My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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