I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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