I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
