I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize