my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
