I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
