everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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