Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
