I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
