I'm lost and stupid without you.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We left an ass print on the piano.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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