i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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