What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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