I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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