Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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