nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
