i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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