Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
