I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
