Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
