Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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