dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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