Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
