Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
