You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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