i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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