So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
