Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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