I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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