Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
