On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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