Define "chronic" masturbator.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
