I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
