Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
