Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
