I looked at my own cervix.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
