I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The Olympian is in my bed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
