No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
